awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize