I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
