party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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