At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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