I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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