I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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