No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
