How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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