Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
