Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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