At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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