just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
