Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
