you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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