His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
