sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
