I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
