He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
