i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize