When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
this will be a night to untag.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
