guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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