I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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