are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
