Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize