Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
