Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
