I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
