I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
