I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
