i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
