A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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