I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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