Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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