Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
