Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
