i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
