and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
