Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
