Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
