btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
