remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The Olympian is in my bed
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