Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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