Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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