omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize