I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
