You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
