my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
