you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
