Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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