I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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