Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
