My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
