the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
