My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
meet me or not, i'm out of control
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
