In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
