Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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