turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
