Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I CAN MOONWALK!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
