Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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